I have created this blog because in the course of two and a half years, I have went from being head over heels "in love", to a complete and utter man hater. I'm positive I'm not the only woman out there who has been hurt by the callous actions of the male ego.....but because I cannot throw him from a moving train without spending the rest of my life in prison, I've decided to talk about my experiences with him (and countless other jerks) and listen to feedback of others who might have some helpful advice on how to find a worthwhile man in the future....
It all started in 2008. I received a phone call on April 20th for the third time that morning and obviously ignoring my phone wasn't an option anymore. I couldn't very well turn it off because my cell at the time also worked as my alarm clock.
It turns out it was the worst unwanted phone call anyone could ever receive. It was my little brother and he was calling to tell me my Mom had died. I couldn't believe my ears. Not only was my mom too young to die (she was only 49!!), turns out she died of pneumonia. Didn't that only happen to people (especially that young) to the unfortunate souls along the Oregon Trail
I can't really tell you the course of the next two months because it seems like one long blurry day, as anyone could understand. But once things were set and I was sure it was safe to leave my step-dad and grandparents to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives without me, I set off for Montana in search of a long lost sister I hadn't seen since I was 5.
Now that story in itself is very long, but death does strange things to a person....makes you think about how short life is and what you want to do before you or anyone close to you leaves this world. I'd thought about her (and my long lost brother) for many years growing up and it was the death of my mom that sent me on the adventure to find them.
I'd spent a month in Helena, Montana, and found that my sister and I, while having some things in common (like life experiences and deep seeded resentments towards our father), we were very very different. And despite how happy I was to get answers to decade old questions, I also realized that living with her was proving to be very difficult and our "relationship" was going to finish before it started if I didn't get my own place. Some people thrive on anger and she is definitely one of them ~ I on the other hand am not.....
In the midst of working and trying to get my own place, her grandfather died which brought a lot of sorrow to my LARGE new found family. Not even two months after my mom died, my sisters step dad died and now her grandfather. They say "things always come in 3's" and so they did.....
Now mind you, my family is Native American, so we did not have a "funeral" for this wonderful old man. It was a celebration of life, and although there were tears, there was also laughter and joy. There were so many people and most were having the time of their lives, which is how anyone should celebrate those they love.
One in particular, was a man that had played a "hand drum" and sang a "going away song" in a beautiful voice......Earlier I had seen him blessing the property as well as everyone in the family ~ myself included. Now I'm not a "wedding crasher" (or in this case a "funeral crasher") or anything, but he was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. You could feel a spiritual beauty radiating off him and so when it came time for everyone to eat and toast a good old "Ranier" beer to the memory of Bill George ~ I sat down by the man of my dreams.
From that moment on, we became inseperable. It was like we were always destined to meet and there was a connection with him that wasn't just "love at first sight" or any other silly cliche......it was like our souls ~ our spirits ~ had always been connected. And here we are 2 years later.....
But in the course of 2 years, he's been arrested 6 times for Domestic Violence. He's promised me over and over that he will seek counseling for himself, therapy for the both of us, quit drinking and doing drugs, and that he would divorce his wife so that the ring on my finger would actually mean that we were "engaged".......
But obviously none of those things ever happened. And so here I sit, in a Domestic Violence shelter, still trying to find every excuse in the world for his actions. Not to mention reasons that I found emails from his ex (excuse me ~ not really "ex" since they're still technically married) wife, waving off rumors he's running around with a girl in another town and using meth no less, and truth behind him blaming me for everything wrong between us......
I sound like a blind fool, do I not? Why do we do this? Why do we see the rest of the world's problems but refuse to see what's right there in front of us? I know that not all women out there would tollerate any of what I have just said. The first sign of aggressive behavior and a strong woman would have sent him packing. But for some of us, like me, my love for him tells me he has the ability to change. And so I stayed...........I left several times and always went back. Until now.........
I've been going to these battered women classes and even considered going to Al-Anon. I've made it perfectly clear that I will not tollerate his actions any longer, that I will not just run back into his arms (as he's begging me to do) like I've done so many times in the past, and that if he wants to be with me, then he needs to seek help...........
So explain to me, why am I so sad?......and feeling guilty no less? God I miss him so much. But I don't miss the drama, that's for sure. And for now, I'm more emotionally stable then I've been in a long time.
Maybe I'm not a manhater per se........but I hate how men think that they control you once you've fallen in love with them. At least that's what mine did to me. I'd love to hear any feedback.
Yours truly,
Lil Cree
